I went to office as usual. Nothing different. But last nite when I was sleeping, I've got this super chill that suddenly attacking my whole body till i shiver. I wonder is this something to do with brownish discharge that i have recently.
I have good lunch with office mate at Milanos, I complaint how my Acceptance of Resignation Letter has been wrong, this and that. Then suddenly when I want to go for Zohor prayer at 3pm, I felt something is not right, I went to toilet and there it was..blood. I stand still in the toilet for about 10 minutes..don't know what to do, trying to calm down myself, try to justify things..I am drop dead pale. I Google about pregnancy and bleeding and 15th weeks and it's written there "any kind of bleeding in pregnance is abnormal.." I panicked.
I've decided to go back..by the time i reached home, it's alredy 4pm and the "gyne" at KPJ Selangor already left. While waiting for Abg Jay to come back, I decided to wait until tomorrow. I thought, it is nothing..it should be alright...
Friday - 21st October 2011
9am..We went to KPJ selangor, I register myself as 1st time patient. I then met Dr. Siti. I explained to Dr. Siti that I have visited GP for last 2 visits, I showed her my blood test result, I told her, my pregnancy history..then she asked me to lay on the bed to do some scanning.
Then..the grey cloud start covering my head...when Dr Siti start asking weird question.." Pernah tak rasa mcm tak pregnant?" " Pernah tak rasa mcm baby takde?" actually she just trying to figure out how to drop the bomb..." Mintak maaf nak bagi tau..actually baby dah takde..the heartbeat is not there..maybe dia dah takde for 2 days.." Then she start explaining the procedure this n that which frankly speaking I actually hear n understand nothing..
We then checked into the ward..after few calls made seeking help from friends n family to bank in some cash since the amount told to us quite high..Nurses showed me to my room and bed...I try to digest what has happened to me...nurses taking my blood sample, check my bp, check if i have diluted, etc..then only when i catched Abg Jay's eyes.....then my tears drop..
I never thought things can be that bad...or..can i put it this way..i never thought bad things can happen to me..to us. Who am i to say that kind of words, so selfish of me.
They put in some medication, they said the baby will come out by himself, like normal birth..they said they will put in the medication every 3 hours till the baby comes out...I never thought the pain will be that bad...it same as labour pain..the contraction...after the first 3 hours, the midwife put in another medication..and the pain was terrible until i ask for pain killer but they said tablet won't work for that kind of pain..they need to jap me at the back..
Then suddenly I felt something coming out..it is like waterbag plop when we want to give birth..and i know the baby has come out. D0c Siti came to check...and ensure the baby and the uri/placenta has properly keluar..n do the procedure which is so painfull to ensure everythinbg in my rahim keluar..semua dah bersih...
I was lucky Abg Jay was always there..I know he was very busy, his phone keeps ringing, he needs to fetch the 2 girls from child care..this n that..but I am grateful he always be there..especially when the doc do the cleaning procedure...Ya Allah..sakitnya..
After the procedure abg Jay balik rumah..with the janin..he called me at 10pm..he told me the baby was in perfect condition, the hand, the legs, everythig were there..and it's a boy...then was when i start wondering what went wrong..and all those questions came to my head.
I SMS abg Jay, and asked him to name the baby. Since we never thought of any, I came up with Nur Ajmaien but then Abg Jay gave him Nur Najmaien.
Saturday 22nd October 2011
I was discharged. I went back. Abg Jay busy with " kebumikan the janin" . Of course we felt very sad. While abg Jay busy kemas rumah, basuh kain, etc..I start analyzing what happened to me. I recall one day Ustaz Sekomi told us during ceramah "pada usia 3-4 bulan, baby dlm kandungan akan ditanya sama ada dia mahu meneruskan hidupnya di dunia atau dia tidak mahu.' I can't remember the exact words but it seems that the baby doesn't want to live. He rather go. Then i start to think.."maybe it was becoz of me, maybe i am not good enough, all the curse to those drivers who cut the line,etc.. then the baby rather go then grown up with this not so good mother.." that thought make me so sad.
Sincerely speaking..I cried for 3 days, then suddenly something hit me on Monday..."Allah wants to remind you, you need to change your life, do more good things, Allah knows best, if let say the baby stay and grown up..and turn to be Monster..who knows..and we're not here to justified God's decision..move on Nani, be better person..At least Nur Najmaein is already 'there' waiting for you and praying for us, Insya Allah.
I am good now..I enjoy this 1 week MC given to me. Though this is not the way i thought i ever spend my last few days with fellow officemate in Sekomi..but Allah knows best.
To those who help me with cash, etc..Thank you very much. And thank you also for all positive words and prayers, we really appreciate it very much. Jazzakallah...
To Nur Najmaein..ibu will always miss you...